


So we beat on, boats against the current

by mayalice



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Gen, Linda Lee needs a hug, Linda lee lives and starts over, a lot of puppies, dog trainer Linda Lee, emotional mess, new life, superhero Linda Lee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29084205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayalice/pseuds/mayalice
Summary: Winters here aren't as cold as the ones in Kaznia but when it’s snowing, it almost feels like home. Or however home is supposed to feel. Kelly says to look at this as an opportunity. You are a blank slate. A lot of people would have killed to be in your position. To have a fresh start. But you long for memories. For first steps and Christmas presents and ugly childhood pictures, for something to hold on to when you feel like you are floating away.-Red daughter lives and starts over.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Red Daughter | Linda Lee, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Red Daughter | Linda Lee & Lena Luthor
Comments: 13
Kudos: 72





	So we beat on, boats against the current

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know where this came from. I just woke up two days ago with a lot of red daughter feelings.

Chicago is too loud. There is a constant movement outside, a never-ending buzz of cars and heartbeats that doesn’t let you sleep. You wanted to live somewhere small and quiet, but Kara said you would stick out like a sore thumb in a place like that, and a big city might be a better fit. Somewhere with a large alien community where no one would bat an eye if you accidentally break something or walk a little too fast to be human. Somewhere where you can have a fresh start.

So Chicago it is.

Your apartment is small, but you don’t have much to fill it with anyway. You don’t have boxes overflowing with birthday cards and bad attempts at poetry and little mementos you didn’t have the heart to throw away. Your only belongings are the few jeans and sweaters Kara lets you borrow and a worn-out copy of The Great Gatsby you curl up with every night, willing it to chase away the loneliness. 

(It doesn’t work). 

Winters here aren't as cold as the ones in Kaznia but when it’s snowing, it almost feels like home. Or however home is supposed to feel. Kelly says to look at this as an opportunity. You are a blank slate. A lot of people would have killed to be in your position. To have a fresh start. But you long for memories. For first steps and Christmas presents and ugly childhood pictures, for something to hold on to when you feel like you are floating away.

Kara looks at you in envy. You know how heavy are the losses she carries. but at least she has good memories to go back to. Anything is better than this void. 

You think about Mikhail. You think about ~~Alex~~ Lex until your eyes start to heat up. You think about your little room in the army base. You think about books and games of Chess. You think about flying. There isn’t much else. You don’t know any bedtime stories. No one ever sang you a lullaby. You don’t even know what your favorite food is. Can you even be a person without all these things? Or are you something else entirely? Something that should have never existed to begin with?

You read a lot of books in the first few weeks. Kara gives you some every time she visits, and you find a second-hand bookstore you like near your house. It doubles as a coffee shop and the owner, (an old lady named Lydia) has a cat she lets you pet, and you spend hours reading with him purring on your lap. 

You try to read a little bit of everything, switching between romance novels to scientific journals to erotic fictions you swallow with eager curiosity. Your coffee table is overflowing with travel guides, encyclopedias, and textbooks you found in the university library. By month three you are fluent in French and Italian. By month five you have the knowledge of a college graduate in four different majors.

You pick up cooking next. You start with small dishes you find online. Basic things people learn early on. An omelet. A chocolate microwave cake. Mac and cheese. You are not a very good chef, but you like it, and it gives you something concrete to focus your energy on. You learn you prefer cinnamon buns over Brownies and that Kale would never enter your kitchen again, but Cauliflower is actually good if you cook it with cheese and cream. You learn that Dumplings should be left to the professionals but you make really great fries, and your french toasts can compete with the ones from the diner across the street. 

You mostly cook just for yourself, but sometimes Kara comes over and hovers behind you as you chop onions for your bolognese. It’s weird, having her here. Kara is a part of you, or more likely, you are a part of her, but most days she feels like a complete stranger. She inhales whatever food you make and talks about the people in her life as if you should know and care about them the way she does, and the worse thing is that you do care. You still have all of Kara’s feelings, so there is warmth in your stomach when she mentions Alex, and your heart makes a funny little dance when she talks about Lena, but they are not yours to keep. They already have one Kara. They have no use for a cheap imitation. 

Alex calls a few times, and it’s awkward. You know she isn’t really your sister, but she is worried about you as if you were _her Kara,_ and none of you really know how to act. It’s easier when Kelly joins her, sweet and encouraging and filling the heavy silence with questions about your new life. 

Eliza says you will always have a place in Midvale if you want it. And you are almost tempted to go, just to know what it feels like to have a mother, but the thought about sleeping in Kara’s childhood bedroom makes your stomach turn. You don’t belong there. Not really. 

Kelly encourages you to get a job. The DEO gives you a small allowance to cover your needs, but it’s supposed to be only temporary until you’d be able to stand on your own. But you have no college degree. No real qualifications or social skills to show, which makes job hunting a little difficult. Lydia isn’t looking for new employees at the moment, and every other store feels too loud or too busy. You apply for a few places anyway, but they never call you back. 

Kara offers to pull some strings and find you an internship in one of the local papers, but you don’t really want to follow in Kara’s footsteps. You want to find something that is all yours. 

Boni wakes you every 3 AM for a new concert of howls and barks. You wonder if he's hurt or cold or just lonely until one night you can’t take it anymore and follow the sound all the way to the animal shelter. You fly easily over the fence and find a large, hairy dog shaking in one of the cages. He growls the first time you try to pet him, but eventually, he lets you move your fingers through his fur, his eyes closing in delight.

You take him home.

You start volunteering in the shelter two times a week. The dogs love you, and the cats seem to respect you, and you have a way of charming even the most anxious animals (knowing their baits can’t hurt you is definitely an advantage). 

The animals don’t ask where you are from or where you went to college. They don’t care if you are not human or if you spent the first year of your life manipulated by a psychopath. For the first time in months, you don’t feel like you have to pretend. 

You don’t talk much with the other volunteers at first. You have nothing in common. They talk about their families and their boyfriends and things you only ever read about, and you feel like a fish out of water. It takes some time, but eventually you let some people in. There is Lily, who dreams to be a vet, and Colin who always shares his food with the dogs, and Jan who brings you coffee when you work together, and it's nice, getting to know people. Even if you have to awkwardly change the subject every time someone asks something personal. 

You feel almost normal.

You look after Mrs. Pierce's dog while she is on vacation and apparently rumors in the neighborhood travel fast because you get more and more offers to dog-sit and Boni gets a lot of playmates to share his toys with. It's not really a steady job, but you are starting to toy with the idea of becoming a dog trainer. You like dogs and they seem to like you, and this is something you think you might actually be good at. 

Kara is overjoyed when you tell her, and says she will see if the DEO can help pay for the course. 

You get a puppy to train with when the course starts, a Labrador you name Toto. (Kara’s musical taste finally starts to rub in on you, to her great delight). Brodi doesn't appreciate his new brother at first, but he slowly warms up to him, and your phone is filled with pictures of the two of them playing together. Your one-bedroom apartment is starting to feel a little crowded for the three of you and the revolving door of animals you babysit, but you manage.

(After you get a new cat to foster, you start looking for a bigger place). 

You like the course. Like learning about different dog breeds and training techniques. Like taking the dogs to the park and teaching them the new tricks you learned. There is one other alien in the class, a shapeshifter from Venus, who shows up every day with different eye color or a new hairstyle, and sometimes you go out together to one of the few bars in the city that serves alien alcohol and share a large plate of fries. You can’t tell them the whole truth, for the same reason you are not allowed to use your powers or leave the house without your image inducer (it doesn’t alter your face much, just a few light touches, enough for people to look at you and not automatically think about the girl of steel), but Ary doesn’t ask questions. They teach you how to play darts and cheer you up in a few burger eating contests, and you think you got yourself your first real friend. 

You study for your exams in the bookshop, and Lydia gives hot chocolate on the house for you and Ary and dog treats for your furry companions. Your enhanced reading abilities come in handy and the theoretical part goes smoothly, but when you pass all the practical exams with flying colors you know you can’t attribute it to any superpower. It was all you, and you can't help but feel proud.

Lena comes with a house welcoming gift when you move into your new apartment. She hands you the new Chess set with an uncertain expression, and your hearts can probably start a band with all the noise they are making. 

You invite her in. Boni jumps in to sniff the new guest, Toto trailing shortly behind, and Lena laughs and bends down to pet them.

You are not exactly sure what she is doing here. (You are not entirely sure she does). You know things with her and Kara are still rocky. Knows about the lies and betrayals and the tentative steps they are trying to take toward repairing their broken relationship. It’s all Kara talks about when she visits. But you also know how Kara feels for Lena. (How you feel for Lena). And you know she would do anything to make things right between them. (That's what you would have done). 

Lena doesn’t say much on her first few visits. You play chess. You eat dinner. She goes back to her hotel room and you don’t hear from her for the next few weeks. After a while she starts staying after dinner to watch whatever is on TV, curled up in one of your blankets with Julia purring in her lap. She tells you about her latest research and you tell her about the dogs you train and the new books you read, and it’s comfortable. You don’t talk about Kara. But she is always there between you anyway. You wonder if Lena looks at you and sees _her._ If she is here because it’s easier. Being around someone that laughs like Kara and talks like Kara, and shares every trait she loves about her but has never hurt her in the same way. You are not sure you really mind. After all, you are Kara. Even if your ID card says otherwise. And it’s you Lena chooses to spend her time with, although it requires her to cross the country with her private plane a few times a month. You are not expecting her to stay. You are not expecting her to choose you. But you can be here for her for as long as she needs you. 

After one time she falls asleep on your couch during a Buffy marathon and you don’t have the heart to wake her up, Lena starts spending the night at your place every time she comes to visit. The bed is big enough for both of you (and at least one furry companion), and if you wake up in the morning with your limbs tangled together, none of you dare to mention it. 

Kara finds you like that when she comes bursting in one morning, babbling about the latest villain in town and Lena not answering her cell before she freezes, looking between the two of you- (Lena in your “World’s okayest dog trainer” sweater, you, in nothing but a large T-shirt and fluffy hello kitty socks) with wide eyes, and you can almost pinpoint the moment her heart breaks. 

Lena is the first to recover, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and following Kara’s disappearing figure. She barely says goodbye to you when she leaves, rushing back to National City to fight whatever monster they are dealing with this time, and you don’t hear from her for a while after that. 

It’s Kara who shows up at your window a few days later. Correction: she breaks your window on her way in, not even bothering to try to open it first (it wasn’t even locked).

There should definitely be a rule against drinking and flying. 

“Did you have to take her?” She sobs into your shoulder. “You could have had everything you wanted. I gave you a chance to start over, wasn’t it enough? why did you have to go after her?” 

Boni gets up from his bed and sits next to her, barking to get her attention. She laughs when he licks her face, and you know you are going to be okay. 

“She only came to me because she loves you,” you say, after making her a cup of tea “I think she is just afraid”. 

Kara wipes her tears and flies home. 

Letting Lena go is easier than you thought it would be. She was never yours to begin with. Loving her felt like phantom pain. A sharp, blinding sensation in a limb that is no longer there. There are no memories to tie you to her. Only the new, stolen ones you made over the past few months, and you know it's nothing in comparison to the four years she has with Kara. You never stood a chance.

(She takes Julia with her, and you already know she is going to be the most spoiled cat in National City). 

You take in a foster dog this time, a terrier with three legs that follows you around the house. You throw yourself into work, hoping being around puppies would make you feel better, and it helps. You meet Ary at the dog park and you let the kids run around as you catch up. You tell them everything. You talk about Lena, and how you knew how it’s going to end, but you still got your hopes up. You talk about Kaznia and Lex and Supergirl. Everything you are. Everything you did. It all burst out of you in a blur of words and tears. When you are done Ary hugs you tight, and tells you they’re glad you told them. 

You never mention it again, but you start to turn off your image inducer in their company. 

You wake up one night to the sound of someone crying for help. The air smells like fire and when you focus your supervision you see the flames spreading in one of the apartments across the street. You don’t even think about it when you fly out the window, still in your pajamas. You pull out the kids first, and then the thankful mother and the family’s hamster. Putting out the fire is a little more complicated than Kara always made it seem on the news, but you manage after a few tries, and by the time the fire department arrive s you are long gone. You're going to have an angry Alex Danvers to deal with in the morning, but as you crawl back to bed, you allow yourself to feel proud. 

Alex scolds you for a whole twenty minutes, but she can’t really blame you for saving people's lives. Ary buys you a wonder woman pajama to replace your ruined one and Kara sends you three dogs' sweaters that say “my mom is a superhero”. 

All the papers speculate about what Supergirl was doing in Chicago, but you don’t really mind that she is taking all the credit. It’s easier this way, and it’s not like you are planning to do that again. It was a one-time thing. 

Your next few saves are a lot less grandiose. You find a missing cat with the help of your super hearing and make a little girl very happy. You walk a group of college students home after chasing away the weird guy that followed them. You catch a coffee cup before it spills all over the sidewalk and ruins someone’s day. Nothing that makes it to the front page. 

You mostly manage to keep a low profile. You stop a few small robberies, but you keep your hoodie on the whole time and make sure no one gets a good look at your face. You save a woman from the wheels of a speeding bus one morning, but by the time she realizes what happened you are already all the way across the street.

You have no intention to start flying around with a cape anytime soon. It’s just a right place, right time kind of thing. Or at least that’s what you say to Alex when she tells you the DEO got a call about Chicago's mysterious hero. There are people that need help, and if you happen to be in the neighborhood, wouldn't it be immoral not to assist them? 

Alex sighs and says you sound like Kara, but there is a little proud glint in her eyes. 

Your new suit arrives two days later. It’s made from the same material as your old training suit, but it looks nothing like it. It’s black and form-fitting, with a golden cape and the house of El symbol embroidered on your sleeves. It comes with a matching gold mask and a note in Lena’s handwriting- _If you want to be a hero, you need to dress the part._

“What do you think?” you ask your roommates when you put it on. The dogs wiggle their tails in excitement. The cat (a one-eyed Siberian you found meowing in a construction site a few weeks ago), looks unimpressed. 

“I kind of like it,“ you tell them, and for the first time in your short life, you don’t shy away from the mirror.

**Author's Note:**

> Let's have a heart to heart at-  
> [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/)  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mayalice18)  
> [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/mayainwritingland/)  
> Title from The Great Gatsby, which I didn't actually get when I read it in my intro to fiction class, but maybe I should give it another chance.


End file.
